We first found out about Beyoncé having miscarriages after the birthday of her daughter Blue Ivy Carter with Shawn “Jay Z” Carter. Beyoncé revealed she learned a lot of self care lessons after having miscarriages.

Jay released a song called “Glory” in 2012, this let us into their life a little bit more following the birth of Blue. Carter rapped “Last time the miscarriage was so tragic /We was afraid you’d disappear, but nah, baby, you magic.” For years, rumors circulated that Beyoncé was pregnant, and they could’ve been, but the thought today of not policing women’s bodies and miscarriages wasn’t such the human decency standard as today.

Carter also spoke about his indiscretions and more fertility issues on his 444 album.“So I apologize / I’ve seen the innocence / Leave your eyes / I still mourn this death / I apologize for all the stillborns / ‘Cus I wasn’t pressing / Your body wouldn’t accept it,” he raps.

Well now, Beyoncé is letting us into those moments for the first time following songs on Lemonade. While answering a question for ELLE Magazine about feeling disappointed in losing awards for Lemonade and Homecoming, Beyoncé spoke on various lessons she learned over the years. One of those lessons stemmed from having miscarriages.

“I began to search for deeper meaning when life began to teach me lessons I didn’t know I needed. Success looks different to me now. I learned that all pain and loss is in fact a gift. Having miscarriages taught me that I had to mother myself before I could be a mother to someone else. Then I had Blue, and the quest for my purpose became so much deeper. I died and was reborn in my relationship, and the quest for self became even stronger. It’s difficult for me to go backwards. Being “number one” was no longer my priority. My true win is creating art and a legacy that will live far beyond me. That’s fulfilling.”